Ah, Ataru's Goddess
by Tritan Z
Summary: The simple story of what happens when the unluckiest boy in the world gets smiled upon by heaven, and granted a wish. He uses it like you'd expect to.
1. An Unfortunate Wish

The words "I hate you!" were followed by a slap that left his ears ringing and his body spinning in the air. By the time Ataru had his bearings back, he saw his girlfriend - rather, ex-girlfriend - running away and leaving him standing on the bridge unable to do anything but call her name. He could pursue, he could catch up, but then she'd just slap him even harder and then he certainly wouldn't be able to keep up.

Given the choice he'd much rather watch her run away in those tight, tight shorts. He'd talk to her later when she was calmed down a bit, but for now why not appreciate the view? Shinobu may be difficult sometimes, but that body made up for it. Oh, did it ever make up for it! But soon enough that butt was out of sight and Ataru rested upon the side of the bridge in contemplation.

"Why'd she have to do that?" he wondered aloud before unknowingly answering his own question. "I only looked at that other girl for a second." Yep. Only looked for a second. Right down her blouse as she tied her shoes, making an instant mental snapshot of her rather wonderful cleavage for later. All while wearing a goofy perverted grin that broadcast what he was doing so loudly that it actually interfered with local television and radio signals.

Lack of self awareness, thy name is Ataru Moroboshi.

His musings were interrupted by a loud and desperate cry that immediately seized his attention. "Wait! Wait!" the voice yelled, "Don't do it!"

Ataru turned his head and saw a rather ugly little old man wearing a straw hat upon his head barrelling towards him at top speed and then suddenly the next thing he was seeing was the bridge above him as he fell into the cold, cold waters below.

The old man mumbled something that Ataru did not hear nor cared to. "What did you do that for?!" he yelled up, then thought better of it. He had greater priorities at the moment than yelling at some stupid old man. Like, getting out of the water before he caught a cold or drowned. This was easy enough to manage because Ataru was much more nimble than he first appeared. Before long he was ringing his sodden clothes by the riverside, as the old man blathered on.

"Come on, don't tell me you weren't going to jump!"

"You really think I'm going to kill myself because a girl left me?" though he had to admit to himself, he was entertaining thoughts on just how to kill this old man without getting caught.

"But I saw something strange in your aura!" the old man insisted. "It compelled me to run towards you, and -"

"Knock me off the bridge," Ataru finished. Enough of this. He'd had a bad enough day already without some crazy old man nattering on about auras and other assorted bullshit. His shirt was dry enough. Time to go home and figure out some way to talk Shinobu round

"Wait, don't leave yet! It's still there, in your aura! A most bizarre fate awaits you if you go that way!"

Enough was enough. Ataru bent down to get face to face with the little gnome, and yelled "That way is home!"

That shut the little freak up. Whatever. Ataru didn't believe in auras or anything like that. Evil spirits, aliens, demons, those were all the stuff of legends only believed by children and weak willed adults that had too poor an imagination to realise how wonderfully horrible life already was without believing in the supernatural. He had to stay in the real world if he wanted to figure out his problems, and he had absolutely no intention of letting some stupid old man dictate what he could or could not do.

Behind him, Cherry simply stared after him. "Such a fate," he mumbled. "His fortunes are about to change, but in ways I cannot tell." And so he resolved to follow this strange young man that jumped off bridges with the merest tap. In some way he knew that this was something he had to see with his own two eyes...

* * *

Dear Ataru  
Your father and I will be out for a few hours tonight. There are leftovers in the fridge.  
~Mom

Well, that's also just what he needed right now. Heated up leftovers. It didn't take him long to heat up, and it took less time for him to slurp the stuff down. Ugh! He was still hungry, dammit! Well, he'd be as well trying to salvage something out of this crappy day. Let's see, where did he keep Shinobu's phone number again? It had to be around here somewhere. This had to be enough time for her to calm down, right? Hope springs eternal, and all that.

Ah-ha! There it was! He slumped against the wall, hoping against hope that she'd pick up and listen to him. But in the meantime, he had to figure out exactly what he was going to -

"Hello?"

-say. Well, so much for that. Time to get to begging, and maybe she'll -

"You've reached the Goddess Technical Helpline!"

Oh, shit! He'd called the wrong number! Ataru started laughing helplessly. Couldn't even this much go right? It was almost comical at this point. At this rate he'd wake up tomorrow with a cold, and -

"We will be there in just a moment to grant your access request," the voice at the other end said, and then the line went dead. Ataru stared at the phone in confusion. What on earth was that? A goddess technical help line? Must be for some weird product or other that he's never -

"Good evening! What is your desire?" asked the pretty girl leaning out of his mirror right above his head and oh god those leftovers must have been off and I'm dying and this is the hallucination my mind is using to distract me while it shuts down oh shit I shouldn't have realised that because now I'll become aware of the crippling pain my body is in and - "Forgive me for not introducing myself," the hallucination said as she dusted herself down. "I am the Goddess Belldandy."

Ataru sat in silence as Belldandy explained herself. Apparently she was here to grant him one single wish, but right now his thoughts were centred elsewhere. For a hallucination, this girl was hot hot HOT! What immediately draws attention at first were the markings on her face. One vertical line on her forehead, and a smaller mark under each eye. More to his interest were the clothes she was wearing. It was some sort of shoulderless dress that managed to hide most of her figure yet made her all the more alluring for it. Ataru could almost believe that this was a goddess would really look like. So serene, yet so sexy! So innocent and pure and yet so supernaturally desirable!

"Hello, my name is Ataru! Welcome to my home, can I get you anything? A cup of tea, maybe you'd like to sit down, ah! Maybe you'd like to get a nice massage!"

Belldandy giggled. "No thank you," she said. "I am not here to be your guest or ask anything from you. Rather, you may wish for anything at all and I shall grant it for you," Belldandy finished. "If you wanted to be a billionaire, we can take care of it. We would even end the world if you asked, but we tend to avoid that sort of customer for obvious reasons. But remember, you only get one wish."

Any wish he wanted? Well, that's a pretty good dream to go with if nothing else! Especially with a hottie like this. Oh yes, Ataru could easily imagine it now. One wish later, her reclining on a bed clad in any of a dozen wonderful lingerie designs. Though she is silent, her eyes say come hither, and then - Or perhaps they could be at a beach, where they can play and frolic in the sand. But then she asks him, could you rub some lotion on my back, and then I'll do the same for you? Ah! But they both get a little friskier than they originally intended, which said quite a lot given where they started from. And then -

"Um, I'm sorry to interrupt, but you did notice earlier that I could read your thoughts. I apologise for the intrusion. Would you prefer me to stop reading your mind?" Oh, but that was just too adorable, she was blushing, and staring pointedly at the ground. "This is most unusual. However did someone so lustful get granted an opportunity for a wish?" she pondered for a moment. Honestly, it was a question Ataru was wondering about as well... But more to the point, he was starting to speculate on just what her sizes were. "Ah! please sir, this decision would go much easier for you if you weren't staring at my breasts like that."

"Oh, I think you're wrong there miss Belldandy! I know exactly what I want to wish for!" Ataru's face split open with a lecherous grin. He couldn't imagine wishing for anything else. "I wish you'd be in my harem!" Ataru voiced his deepest, most pure desire.

Well, OK, not "pure." But it sure was a desire.

"Huh?" Belldandy said, "I'm sorry, could you run that by me again?" That didn't sound right. A harem…?

"I thought it was clear. I wish that you'd be in my harem!" Ataru said, his eyes running up and down the goddess's figure.

"Oh, well, um, that's… I don't know if that's a legitimate wis-"

That's when a pillar of light came down from Heaven over the two. Belldandy felt her magic access the System. It was.. The wish was being granted!

 **What?**

"Oh my godddddddddddddd it's beautiful!" Ataru shouted as the light faded. "Come here sweetheart!" He leaped to embrace his new harem girl.

"Huh? Wait you…" Belldandy was surprised. Ataru was hugging her. Which was **weird** because normally her automated defense spells would stop a mortal from grabbing at her. Also, him hugging her felt... pleasant? Which was surprising. His arms felt comfortable around her. "And… what am I wearing!?"

A light blue bikini top, with a matching pair of, well, **translucent harem pants** and silk slippers. She really did look like a member of a harem now!

Then the data on the wish flashed into her mind.

Ataru Moroboshi had been granted his wish. His wish was to have Belldandy, Goddess First Class Type 2 Unlimited, as a member of his harem. However, he did not **have** a harem in the present time. This meant that the wish had two parts. Belldandy was to be a member of his harem. "Harem" was defined by the wisher as "a large scale polyamorous relationship with multiple individuals focused romantically and/or sexually on a single person." So Belldandy would not only be in a such a relationship with Ataru… she would have to help Ataru convince other women (or men, who knew if he swung that way yet? Sexual orientation wasn't included in the info given to her) to also be in such a relationship.

And the Ultimate Force would be helping enforce this. The ultimate underpinnings that control reality being used for basically an eternal loop of "booty calls" was… well it wasn't quite the least dignified wish granted in history, but it was up there.

And… that's when Belldandy realized that the system might have screwed up, just a little… Ataru had never defined the **size** of the harem. So until he was happy with his harem size she'd just have keep helping him increase it!

"Um, Ataru…?" She decided that if he was going to be her.. boyfriend(?) from now one she could be a little less formal. "Um… what now?"

"Huh?" Ataru looked up into her eyes. "Err…"

"You're, um, getting your harem now. Just me thus far, but I shall assist you in… um… convincing others to join our… relationship." Belldandy could not lie. It was not possible for her to do so as a Goddess First Class. As such the thought of trying to make his wish seem more limited did not even enter her mind. "Until you're satisfied."

"Oh that's wonderful! Thank you Belldandy!" He hugged her tighter, his head burying between her breasts. "After all these years of rotten luck… finally something good in my life!"

Luck? Oh.. oh my. Belldandy had been so shocked by the wish she had missed it. But this boy had perhaps the worst luck she had ever felt in, well, anything! It was like reality was just keeping the dice up at 1 for every single roll he made! "So, what do you wish to do now?"

Was he going to kiss her? Have her perform some sexual task? Straight up coitus?

"Huh? Now?" Ataru looked thoughtful, "Um… we could cuddle?"

Well that's not quite what she was expecting. Still, "Cuddling sounds nice!" Down onto the futon they went, Ataru snuggling up against her chest and Belldandy wrapping her own arms around him.

Ok, maybe this wouldn't be quite as stressful as previously thought.

* * *

The number one question most people wish to ask Shinobu Miyake is a simple one.

"Why Ataru?" The answer to this is complicated.

There's the issue of familiarity. Shinobu had known Ataru all her life, and Shinobu had always imagined him as being part of her life. When they were younger they had often played "House" with her as the wife of course. That had stopped once Ataru had gotten old enough to want to play "Doctor" to go with it.

Part of it was that thanks to that familiarity she saw sides of Ataru few others did. She saw the empathetic, determined, and generous man that existed under the exterior of the perverted boy.

Which is why she was heading down to his house to apologize.

"Hmmm such power in the air."

While being followed by a creepy old monk.

"Sir, why are you following me?" Shinobu finally asked him.

"Hmm?" Cherry said, "Oh I'm not following you Miss. We're just going in the same direction at the moment."

Right then, in that case maybe she could afford to go a little faster!

"Oh dear the power emanating… I must make haste!"

Except the monk just matched her speed! Why?

"I'm still not following you, I'm going faster because what I feel is alarming!"

Oh wow what an amazing coincidence Shinobu was feeling pretty alarmed now too! For the first time in history someone was hurrying towards Ataru Moroboshi with the intention of ducking a pervert!

* * *

"Hello? Ataru? Mrs. Moroboshi?" Shinobu was always welcome so she just opened the door.

"Hmmm so this is the place." Cherry stepped into the house too. "The air is thick with… a strange power."

 _"You're still following me!?"_ Shinobu shrieked. Why was she having such terrible luck! That was Ataru's job!

"Silent!" The monk held up his hand, "Can you not feel it? The pressure in the air, even one without spiritual senses could be able to detect something. It is unnatural, it is spine tingling, it is not of this world!" He took a bite of an apple that had been sitting on the counter. "Whatever's here… it could change the world!" He pulled a bottle of milk out of the fridge and drank it with some cookies.

Whatever. Ataru could deal with the food thief. She just needed to find him. The building was eerily silent. Usually she'd be able to hear the TV, or conversation, or even something as simple as Mrs. Moroboshi wishing Ataru had never been born. But now the entire house was silent.

"Anybody home?" Shinobu asked, finding herself sneaking through the house. The monk eating a bag of chips behind her. "Ataru?" She reached his door, "Ataru?" She knocked, "I'm sorry for getting mad at you earlier I just wismmmmmgggh." Cherry slapped his hand over her mouth.

"Do not say that word here!" Cherry said, "I fear it may result in untold consequences!"

Shinobu tried to kick the old monk but he was already at the door, pushing it open.

The lights were off, and Shinobu could hear the faint sound of Ataru snoring. He was asleep? It seemed a little early. That's when Cherry flipped on the lights.

Ataru was not alone.

"Hmmm…" **She** sat up, and Shinobu knew that she should be mad. She really should start screaming. Because a woman in what was clearly a harem girl outfit _sleeping next to her boyfriend_ was something worth getting mad about!

But… but she couldn't! She couldn't find herself capable of getting mad at her! Even wearing that skimpy outfit she had this intense aura of purity that almost her eyes water. She was beautiful! The most beautiful woman Shinobu had ever seen, her gentle smile and kind eyes just seemed to cause any negative emotions to fade away. "Oh my god…" Shinobu whispered.

"God is right!" Cherry shouted and was on his hands and knees, "This woman… no mere mortal. No mere spirit… a divine being. A Goddess!"

"Huh?" Shinobu said, "A goddess?"

"You have good senses Mr. Monk." The goddess said, "I am Belldandy, Goddess First Class Type 2 Unlimited."

"What?" Shinobu said, "What kind of name is that?"

Belldandy frowned, "Well, to tell the truth it's simply a transliteration of my original name to your language, it'd be more accurately pronounced as _'Verdandi'_ but it's easier to pronounce it as 'Belldandy' wouldn't you say?"

"Err… yeah I guess so." Shinobu said, "B-but if you are a goddess what are you doing with my boyfriend!"

"You're Ataru's girlfriend?" Belldandy's smile brightened, "That's wonderful! That means his harem has two members now!"

Both Cherry and Shinobu stared at her. "Err.. what?" Cherry said, stolen carrots falling out of his hat.

Suddenly a puff of smoke surrounded Shinobu, and when the smoke cleared she was wearing a pink outfit identical to Belldandy's.

"You know, the Ultimate Force is usually more subtle." Belldandy said. "I was expecting the Priest to spill something on your clothes and make you have to change."

* * *

"So… Honored Deity. You're saying that Heaven will randomly grant mortals wishes?" Cherry asked.

"Well, it's not random. We select through rigorous parameters. Rest assured that anybody who qualifies for a wish wouldn't misuse it."

"I think this qualifies as misuse!" Shinobu pulled at her new top.

"I don't know, you seem to be using them quite well!" Ataru grinned. Then ate an elbow to the face. It didn't stop his good mood or slow it down in the least bit. "Aw don't be like that Shinobu! This is a great day!" He jumped into the air, doing a swan dive towards her chest! "Love and peace for every-" Ataru's face hit the floor. Again, this did not seem to affect him.

"I feel like this is the happiest he has ever been." Belldandy said.

"Why wouldn't I be? I have Shinobu and a goddess in my harem!" Ataru cheered.

"Oh that is enough!" Shinobu shouted, pinning Ataru to the ground, "Hold still for a bit!" Of course, the method she used to pin him down leaved a bit to be desired. Namely she sat down on his lap. Cherry raised an eyebrow, and Ataru just smirked and wrapped his arms around her waist, looking fairly comfortable with Shinobu in his lap wearing skimpy clothing.

"OK I'll be good." He said.

"I think she just gave him what she wanted." Cherry whispered to Belldandy.

"What if I don't want to be in a harem!" Shinobu began the protest again.

"But my wish…" Ataru said.

"Yeah what's up with this wish!?" Shinobu said.

"Isn't it obvious? After all my suffering Heaven gave me what I really wanted." Ataru said.

Belldandy cleared her throat, "Well it's like Ataru said. The Yggdrasil system decided that Ataru had earned a wish, and approved the wish."

"But what does him getting a harem mean?" Shinobu said, "It can't just be Ataru looking at a girl and going poof she's his haremette now!"

"Oh no. Free Will can not be overridden. What will happen is the Ultimate Force will guide us towards finding individuals willing to be in in this relationship, as well as keep us together." Belldandy said.

"Honored Deity, what's this 'Ultimate Force' you speak of?" Cherry said, now opening up a can of soda.

"It's the power exerted by Yggdrasil to grant the wish. The more forces that try to keep the wish from being granted the greater pressure put down to grant it." Belldandy frowned, "Are any of you familiar with the story of Sodom?"

"Hmm from the Western Bible?" Cherry said. "A city of wicked men destroyed by God through their greed and selfishness."

"Yes, well, that's the sort of thing that happens if the Ultimate Force is denied repeatedly." Belldandy laughed off, "Of course no way Ataru could bring about the end of the world! I just used that example to show how serious the Ultimate Force is."

"Well when will his wish be granted?" Shinobu said.

"Hmm… it was kind of open. I guess we'll be in Ataru's harem the rest of his life? And there isn't any limit on the size so I guess it will just keep growing until Ataru's satisfied."

"It's going to shrink soon if I have anything… to… say…" Shinobu trailed off, a sudden dark feeling of foreboding coming over her, the air becoming thick with a strange tension.

"I wouldn't try and leave girl, you might turn into a pillar of salt." Cherry said.

"I can leave if I want!" Shinobu said, "I… I just don't want to leave! I'm sure I'll find some loophole to stop this dumb harem wish so it can just be me and Ataru!"

"Hehehehehehe" Ataru chuckled, his hands sliding up Shinobu's exposed midriff, before she smacked them down again. " Just you? Now that I've had a taste of heaven I'll never have enough women in my harem!"

Oh Good Lord. Ataru now had divine providence giving him the right to chase girls? Shinobu wasn't sure that Belldandy was right about this not leading to the end of humanity. She couldn't think of anything else in the future that could possibly doom it.

* * *

Elsewhere, a crowd of people watched in slack jawed awe as a UFO descended from the sky. The bridge descended, and out walked the alien captain. A large, brutish man with tusks and horns. With much a much more normal looking teenage girl if you discounted the whole floating in a tiger stripe bikini thing. The man pulled out a megaphone and began shouting.

 _"A-hem. Testing, testing one two three._ People of Earth! The Oni have come to take this world into our Empire! In the interest of fairness we have randomly selected a champion to compete with our own. If he wins, then we will spare your planet." He withdew the photograph and name from his pocket, examining it closely. "Now then… uh… can somebody tell me where this 'Ataru Moroboshi' fellow lives?"


	2. Underflow Error

Meanwhile, up in Heaven alarms, were sounding.

Resting on a plane just above the greater universe, the Universal Supercomputer Yggdrasil existed. Surrounding the Universal Superstring, this great Divine system governed the entire universe, ensuring that reality itself continued to function. Of course, such a massive system had many sectors and staff assigned to each individual section. Most importantly to this particular story is the Sector covering Earth and much of the surrounding solar system. While this was a minuscule fraction of the universe as a whole the fact that this section contained intellegent life with souls capable of being Good or Evil made it a focus for much of Heaven's efforts, compared to say all the empty space where occasionally some random bacteria might evolve on an acid planet or something of that nature. Around 2% of Yggdrasil's resources were, in normal circumstances, dedicated to this sector of the universe. Which is a lot when you consider this system is **running all of reality** , and yet Earth is important enough to get enough attention to be noticable on a chart, if only barely.

Of course, right now a fair bit more effort was being put into this sector. The various Gods and Goddesses assigned to earth were running around in a panic. The cause was an an alien invasion. This was a wildly improbably event. Every single prediction the system had produced projected that First Contact was 99.999% likely to be a decade or more away! **Something** had completely thrown off the systems probability matrixes. Yggdrasil could predict the future with 80% efficiency on average, with the more narrow predictions getting more accurate. However, all predictions were at a mere 14% accuracy rate, and with it came a whole bunch of bugs into the system. Glitches in reality manifesting as oddly cute little creatures running around and messing everything up.

Working through this chaos was Skuld, Goddess Second Class, Type 1 Limited. She was in a ridiculously foul mood. Somehow she had stumbled upon the worst case scenario. A nightmare come to life, a turn of events that Skuld could hardly believe.

Belldandy had been assigned to permanent Earth detail!

Oh yeah, and the chaos caused by the explosion of bugs was a bit annoying. Smashing a bug down with her hammer, she called up a monitor.

"A wish?" She murmured, "What wish means she has to stay on earth for the foreseeable future?" She called up the records of the wish, but only got a jumbled glitchy mess. "The wish itself is corrupted? Oh come on!"

Well that settled it. Skuld would have to do some more direct debugging, heading down to her big sister to warn her about the invasion, and extract the wish from whatever idiot made it themselves!

* * *

Back in the Moroboshi residence the chaos on Heaven and Earth was being completely ignored, as the current inhabitants were focused on something much more important.

"Do you want take out or should we just eat leftovers?" Ataru opened the fridge, only to find it empty. "Wait a minute there was a whole pot of rice in here!"

"Ah sometimes the simple things are best." Cherry said, dropping the empty pot and chopsticks into the sink. Shinobu slapped him in the back of the head.

"How much can you eat?" She growled.

"I wouldn't mind take out." Belldandy said, "It's been a long time since I last had earth food."

"I can't imagine it compares to Heaven's meals." Shinobu said. "I mean…"

"Oh don't sell yourself short. Mortals are wonderful beings. If they weren't why wouldn't the gods care about you?" Belldandy said.

Shinobu face reddened. Why did this woman have to be so nice? She's a rival… or something… over Ataru's affections but all Shinobu can think of is how pretty and nice she is!

"Right then Chinese it is." Ataru said.

"None for the monk!" Shinobu said, "Actually why are you still here? Go home!"

"I would be a terrible monk if I simply left behind a goddess manifesting." Cherry answered.

"Right right." Ataru said, picking up the phone and dialing the local delivery place, "Hey I'd like-"

 _"There you are you idiot!"_ A voice shouted from the phone.

"Woaaahh!" Ataru shouted, dropping the receiver. A head popped out of the receiver, and in violation of spacial sense arms, legs, and the entire body came out. A young girl with dark hair and similar markings to Belldandy's on her forehead was now standing in front of Ataru.

"Bugs! Begone!" She shouted, and suddenly slammed a giant mallet over Ataru's head.

There was an awkward silence. Shinobu kneeled down to Ataru's twitching limbs, still visible from under the hammer. "Uh, Ataru? You OK?"

"He'll be fine. I just needed to clear some things up." A holographic screen popped up in front of the girl's head, "Ah-ha that cleared up the corruption around the wish!" She frowned, "Ataru Moroboshi…? What? Why is this guy granted… a **harem!?"** The hammer grew bigger, "Pervert! Die!"

A hand was placed on the girl's shoulder, "Skuld, calm down please."

"B-Belldandy… what are you wearing!?" The girl said.

"Oh it's an outfit Ataru likes. I think it's lovely." Belldandy said.

"It's perverted!"

"Who the hell are you and why'd you think that was a good idea!" Ataru jumped up, yelling at her.

"Ataru, Shinobu, Mr. Monk, this is my younger sister Skuld."

* * *

The address had been gained, so the King of the Oni began his march towards the champion, the one who would decide the fate of the earth. And trailing behind him was, naturally, the princess.

Now, one looking at such a cute and pretty girl in such a… revealing outfit, many would have wonder about what her thoughts were. As an alien, would her thoughts be anything like theirs? Or would she have some strange mindset completely unlike humanity?

Honestly, it was the latter. Her name was Lum, and the main thoughts on her mind were not about her impending duel for the fate of a world, but her boyfriend.

Her really, **really** disappointing boyfriend.

Rei was perhaps one of the hottest guys in the galaxy. A perfect match! Her buddy Ran was always going on about how lucky Lum must be to snag such a hunk!

Oh _if only they knew._ Lum had thought Rei would be great. So handsome, surely he must be the Fairy Tale Prince? Nope! Lum had once given him an I.Q test. The computer asked why they were testing their pet rock's I.Q. Lum then gave her pet rock an I.Q test. It scored higher. The only thing he knew what to do with a girl was ask when the next meal was!

Nope. No way was she dealing with that. Good looks were just not worth it when the only thing he knew how to do with them was ask for more food! So Lum had dumped him, and had been doing the usual sort of moping over lost love that any Earth girl would relate to. Sitting in her room, listening to angsty music, eating star flavored ice cream. She was pretty sure the entire reason her parents were taking over this world was to cheer her up with a tag game.

If only she could find someone! She didn't want just a hot guy anymore. Someone interesting! Even if they were a little weird, flawed, had not one other redeeming quality, whatever! Speaking of not one other redeeming quality, she looked at the photo of her Tag Opponent.

Ataru Moroboshi… Not quite ugly, but not exactly handsome. His goofy smirk looked funny. She wondered what he was like? Well, she'd find out soon.

* * *

Introductions were exchanged and Chinese was actually ordered. Would wonders never cease? The group sat around the table, Ataru of course placing himself between Belldandy and Shinobu. A bowl of fruit had been set up at the table.

"Hmmm…" Ataru grinned and reached over Belldandy's shoulder. Skuld glared at him and Shinobu slapped his hand down.

"Hands on your lap!" Shinobu said.

"But what if I want some fruit?" Ataru asked innocently.

Shinobu frowned, "Well then I'll get you some!" She reached over the table, "Just keep your hands there." She picked up a bunch of grapes. "Here!" She plucked one off and with a sudden bit of delicacy popped it into his mouth.

Skuld's eye twitched, "Are you doing this on purpose?"

"Doing what? I'm just trying to keep Ataru under control, I don't want this harem thing any more than anybody else!" Shinobu said in her skimpy harem girl outfit, feeding Ataru grapes. Hrmph! Ah, there's an idea. Maybe if she moved into his lap, she could keep his hands pinned down.

"Skuld, what did you come here for?" Belldandy asked.

"Well there was a huge eruption of bugs in Yggdrasil." Skuld explained, "Things have been going haywire up there, and I came here worried about you when seeing you were assigned to Earth!"

"Well I have to help fulfill Ataru's wish." Belldandy said.

Slam! Skuld's hands hit the table, bouncing an apple out of the bowl and into Cherry's mouth. "That's just the thing! This guy? He's not qualified for a wish at all!" The holographic screen popped up in front of Skuld again. "While his balance of sin and virtue still tilts towards the side of goodness, he's far too short sighted and frankly lecherous to be trusted for a wish." She examined the long string of characters… "Oh.. wait… I think that he's the cause of all the bugs too!"

"Err, Young Deity, what do you mean by 'Bugs'?" Cherry asked.

Skuld frowned, "Oh, wait. Uh… how familiar with computers are you guys?"

"They're those big bulky calculator things right?" Ataru asked, he had somehow pulled Shinobu onto his lap again, and she still was feeding him grapes.

"Yes, well, Yggdrasil can be compared to a giant computer that monitors and adjusts reality." Belldandy said, before also being pulled onto Ataru's lap. Shinobu didn't notice, Skuld sure did.

"Well, any complex system and you'll have errors. These bugs are when bits of Yggdrasil's functions don't quite work right. As a debugger my job is to find and correct them to ensue the reality runs smoothly." Skuld said, her hammer appearing in her hands, gripping it tightly. "So I use this debugging hammer to fix bugs and smash perverts molesting my sister."

"Useful tool." Cherry observed.

"Bugs always have a source, the cause of the error, and when coming here to get my sister and fix the garbled wish data, I learned the main cause of this sudden explosion of them!" Skuld stood up, "Like I said, your wish is invalid. You never should have been granted clearance for one, the error **you** caused is what made the system think you deserved one through random chance!"

"Skuld, what was this bug?" Belldandy asked.

"Well…" Skuld coughed, "You see, it's this slug's luck. He has, like, negative luck. He has the worst luck I've ever seen in anything. Honestly how are you still alive?"

"Many locals ask the same question every day." Shinobu muttered.

"Well, if he's so unfortunate, which would be better for him? Death granting release from his suffering? Or living to suffer more misfortune?" Cherry said philosophically.

"But I'm the luckiest man in the world now!" Ataru shouted, "I got a wish and am getting a harem, and I already have a Goddess and Shinobu in it."

"And that's all you'll get if I have any… say… in it!" Shinobu said. She began to sweat quite profusely as the sentence progressed as something like a migraine began to make threatening pulses in the back of her head.

"As I was saying, several hours ago Ataru's luck reached the lowest point possible." A scene appeared in the hologram. To be exact, it was the moment Shinobu had slapped Ataru and temporarily broken up with him for ogling another woman _again_. "At this moment his luck became so bad the system didn't have the capacity to process it. So an underflow error occurred!" At the blank stares of everybody but Belldandy Skuld sighed, "OK, imagine a giant strip of paper numbered 1 to 100. You're pointing to 1 and you're forced to point down to the next lowest number, but you can't do that because there isn't a number lower on the list than 1. So you loop the paper around and move down to point at 100."

Shinobu's eyes widened. "So what you're saying is that Ataru got so unlucky… he…"

"Became the luckiest person in the world." Skuld said, "For that brief moment in time, and this made the entire Luck Processing Unit go haywire, messing up all our probability matrixes and making the system think he qualified for a wish."

Ataru nodded, coincidentally rubbing his cheek up against Shinobu's breasts in the process. "Though, uh… doesn't that mean that if Shinobu slapping me is what made my luck 'loop' then this is all her fault?"

Everybody turned to look at her. Shinobu fidgeted in a way that might, under a different context, be construed as a lapdance. "I… uh… look! I mean, yeah, he got some weird wish and maybe some bug things. But come on! Ataru getting lucky for a bit can't be that bad?"

"Try an alien invasion!" Skuld shouted. "Thanks to the world's luck becoming topsy-turvy this planet got noticed by some aliens! And not just any aliens, but a group of galactic conquerors! So yes, it is that bad, the Oni are coming! An alien race that can fly, shoot lightning out of their hands, transform, breathe fire, and have super strength! They're coming to take over Earth and we have no idea what to do!"

"Do they have laser vision?" Ataru asked.

"No."

"Are they conveniently weak to a rock from their homeworld?"

"No."

"So their planet didn't blow up?"

 **"No they just want this one!"** Skuld shouted whipping out her hammer and waving it at Ataru threateningly, "Our only hope… the only possible hope humanity has, is that before Oni invade a planet they always play a game of tag with a champion."

"How do they select this champion?" Shinobu asked.

"Randomly. It can be any person between the ages of adolescence and old age for the species." Belldandy said, "All we can do is hope that-"

The doorbell rang.

"Oh the Chinese must be here!" Ataru stood up, "If it's just a random schmuck getting the job I don't see why we should worry about it now." He went over to the front door, "Maybe you goddesses should find them and set up some deus ex ma-" He opened the door and was immediately ran over by a torrent of reporters.

"Mr. Moroboshi! Mr. Moroboshi! You're thoughts on being selected as the Champion of Earth!?"

"Mr. Moroboshi! What do you think of the Oni aliens?"

"Mr. Moroboshi! Uh… where is he?"

The mob of newsies looked around the room, before everybody's eyes noticed the two young women in skimpy clothing, the little girl, and the old monk all sitting at the table. None of them noticed that the lumpy rug they were standing on was, in fact, the boy they were hoping to interview.

"Looks like the idiot's luck has reset to normal..." Skuld groused.

Shinobu realized that **everybody** could see her. As in, the world over! In this slutty haremgirl outfit! "Noooo!" she screamed.

"Ma'am? Where's Mr. Moroboshi?"

"You're all standing on him." Belldandy said. She pointed down to the ground with a great big smile, happy for nothing more than the chance to be helpful.

Shinobu had ducked under the table, covering her chest.

"Right, well, uh, who are you two? Why are you dressed like that?"

"Oh! I'm Belldandy, Goddess First Class Type 2 Unlimited. I'm a member of his harem." She pulled up Shinobu. "This is Shinobu. She is also a part of his harem."

"He has a harem?"

"Well he is the Champion of Earth."

"But he's so weird and pathetic looking!"

"Yeah he has these weird footprint marks all over his face."

"That's because you all stampeded on me!" Ataru shouted, jumping out from under the shoes. In a flash cameras and microphones were shoved in his, Belldandy's, and Shinobu's faces. More questions than could be answered were dumped out.

Skuld was hitting her head against the table. "Of course. **Of course** the worst possible choice would be made the tag player."

"Ah-hem!" Silence, as a huge, huge, _huge_ guy with tusks and horns walked in. "This the place eh?" A goofy smile popped up on his face. "Hey there, you Moroboshi?"

"Yeah." Ataru said.

A laugh, "Nice to meet you, so you want to hear the rules?"

"Err… something about tag?" Ataru said.

Laughter, "Glad to see you got it!" He slapped Ataru on the back, who face planted. "Now, you see, we Oni like to play a little fair. So we pick a Champion to take on ours in the game. The rules are simple, you'll be playing tag against my daughter Lum for a week."

Ataru's head snapped back up, "Daughter?"

Shinobu and Skuld both had a dark realization coming. Sure enough, the daughter floated in. She was a _complete babe_. Long green hair, tipped with cute looking horns that seemed almost like hairclips. A trim figure that Shinobu felt a flash of jealousy towards. Flatter stomach, wider hips, and bigger breasts. The figure was easily visible due to the fact that she was wearing a tiger striped Bikini and not much else more. With a pair of long boots topping the ensemble.

Shinobu could not help but wonder what she'd look like in a matching harem girl outfit.

"Hi!" She waved. "Nice to meet you."

In a flash Ataru was next to her, "Well hello there! I'm Ataru, nice to meet you." He grinned, "So where do you want me to tag you babe?"

Lum blinked, "Eh?" Wait, was this guy… "Well, you have to grab my horns."

"The horns?" Ataru said, suddenly frowning, "That's it?"

Skuld suddenly had an idea. It was.. It was an awful idea. And she hated it. In fact, it disgusted her on a deep personal level. But it could possibly be the best way to save Earth. She glanced over at Belldandy. How to broach this idea with her big sister?

Belldandy nodded, "Well! I think today's been a busy day, so perhaps we should all go to bed now."

For some reason, this suggestion actually worked. The reporters began filtering out. "Well then we'll see you tomorrow at the game!" Lum's dad laughed, slapping Ataru on the back again and making him taste the floor again. "Come on Lum."

Skuld pulled up Ataru, "Listen here!" She said, and then whispered her plan to him.

"Wait, really?" Ataru said.

"Yes! It should work!" Skuld said, looking a little green.

Ataru stood up, "Well, if it will help save the world…" He burst into laughter and ran outside.

* * *

"Oy! Wait a second!"

Lum had been about to head back into the saucer when she heard that guy's voice. "I'll be there in a minute." She told her dad before floating down to see Ataru waving to her, "What do you want?"

"What? Can't we chat for a bit?" Ataru said.

"Well… nothing says we can't." Lum said, "So what do you want to talk about? I'm not going to throw the match."

"Oh! No! Nothing like that. No way a babe like you would stoop to such lows." Ataru said.

Oh yes. He was hitting on her. Quite blatantly. Still, Lum felt her face redden a little. To have a man actually acknowledge her as something beyond a food delivery service was a nice feeling. "Well thanks."

"Was just thinking about what you were going to do after I beat you." Ataru said. Oh confident is he? "Maybe a date or two?"

"A date? Really?" Lum said, "Don't you have a girlfriend? I saw those other girls in your place."

"Oh they're part of my harem." Ataru said.

"... you have a harem?" Wait. This guy did? What on the Milky Way was so special about him that multiple women would throw themselves at him to be in a harem?

"Yup!" Ataru said, "And I think you'd be a great member too! Want to give it a try?"

Oh no. No way. She was not going to be some guy's callgirl! "What makes you think I want to?"

"Dunno, just thought I'd ask!" Ataru said.

Oh wow he was pretty brazen, which was actually almost admirable! "So, if I did become part of your harem what would that entail?"

"Err, we'd hang out, cuddle a little? Watch some movies?" Ataru said.

...well that sounded kind of fun actually. But no! She had her pride as an Oni! "Look, I'm not going to go with that sort of thing just on a whim."

At this Ataru's grin became wider, "Well how about a wager? If I beat you in Tag, then you'll join my harem? On a trial basis of course, but I know you'll want to stick around."

Again with the confidence. He was actually a little interesting, even if he had no hope of winning. "Well… why not? OK, fine, I'll join your harem if you beat me in Tag." Lum said. Of course, once he lost and the Earth belonged to the Oni she'd probably take him on some pity dates, he seemed interesting!

* * *

Meanwhile, in the bushes.

"Wait… did she really…" Shinobu said.

"A-ha!" Skuld said, "Now look, since Ataru winning Tag will make his harem grow, the Ultimate Force will **make sure** he wins!"

"Will that be safe?" Belldandy murmured.

"Huh? What do you mean? It'll just arrange Ataru's… luck… so… _oh no."_

"Yes. Normally the Ultimate Force manipulates luck as the safest way to enforce a wish. But Ataru's luck is so poor that… I think it has to brute force things." Belldandy gestured to her outfit, "This just appeared on us once we were accepted into the harem. I imagine there was no safe way to do so with normal luck manipulation while Ataru is involved.

So now, whereas normally the Ultimate Force would be a scalpel to do the single precise thing to bring about Ataru's victory… now it would probably be more like a stick of dynamite thrown into the mess.

* * *

Mercifully her clothes changed back to normal as soon as she was more than ten feet away from Darl- From Ataru. The moment she crossed that boundary it felt like she'd walked right into a wall of needles and kept on going. For a few steps afterwards she really, really wanted to turn around, head back to Dar- Ataru to give him a piece of her ass. Mind. She meant mind and any attempt to persuade her otherwise would very quickly wind up buried very deeply under a pile of denial.

Oh, now Shinobu knew the real reason that she wanted to turn around and go back to the tender (perverted) arms of her loving dear _Darling_ Ataru. Of course she did. She wasn't stupid. She knew it was a justification, that she wouldn't really yell at him when she got there. No, they'd probably just hang around all night watching movies and chilling. This, incidentally, was a harder thing to do back in the 70s before Netflix was invented. (Though that fancy Laserdisc player Mr. Moroboshi had gotten helped) But anyway! The point was that Shinobu was no fool and she could see right through her brain trying to trick her, it was so obvious.

Obvious that she didn't want to return home and explain the news report to her parents, that is. What's that? You thought she was suppressing a long deeply suppressed erotic fantasy about being a member of Ataru's harem? No, no. Don't be daft. I mean, sure when they were little she had promised to become that for him, and sure when she eventually learned what that was she her heart skipped a beat or three (Before throwing him into the river for suggesting it). It didn't prove anything. Nor did her plans to go as one for that costume party last year before her parents bought her that cute and innocent Princess costume. (Serving as a stunning contrast to the "Arabian Princess" costume Ataru had suggested to her.)

Anyway, she was distracting herself from the real problem here: She'd been on the news dressed up like Ataru's haremgirl. In his room. With a Goddess who introduced them both as part of his harem. Oh gosh! Her mother must be throwing a fit and her father must be weeping at the shame his daughter has brought upon their family! Or making good use of his whetstone. Maybe both. Probably also trying to research the most efficient and painful way to castrate a boy.

Her imagination kept on throwing that kind of thing at her again and again, yet she knew... She knew that she couldn't put it off forever. Eventually she would have to return home. Face the music. Own up to what had happened. Try to explain something that seemed totally unexplainable.

"I'm home?" she called timidly into the house. No reaction. Shinobu winced and tread carefully inside. No sign of her parents. She'd been expecting them by the front door. It was unlocked so they must be in. "Hello?" she called out, though her tone betrayed that she had no real interest in anyone finding her. With a nervous gulp, she trod up the stairs to her room. One creaky step at a time. They must be in her room. Right? Waiting for her. Pitching out her clothes or angrily pacing around or...

 _"And that concludes our exclusive interview with the alien princess playing against Earth Champion Ataru Moroboshi!"_

Or staring at the TV with rapt attention.

"Mother," Shinobu half sobbed, half yelped. "F-Father! I can explain -"

As one her parents rose to their feet, their backs still turned to her. "Explain"? Her father said. "You honestly think you can explain... How alien life evolved on another world to appear that similar to human?!"

If you listened closely you might just have heard the rug being pulled out from under Shinobu's feet. Eh? What?

"Now dear, it's entirely possible that they're using some form of advanced technology to mimic our appearance," her mother said. "Consider: Wasn't she just a little _too_ cute in that tiger print bikini? Not to mention that aesthetic rather fits too neatly with the Japanese Oni creature."

"Ah but perhaps this is not the first time they've been to our world, and the Oni of myth was merely a record of our ancestor's encounter with them!" Her father said, adjusting his glasses.

"It still does not explain why their representative happens to be a scantily clad young woman with all the hallmarks of modern feminine attractiveness."

What... What was happening right now? Shinobu's head was reacting in much the same way as if she was watching a tennis match, turning left and right in quick succession as her parents went into tremendous detail and discussion about the myriad implications and ramifications of the Oni invasion of Earth.

"It makes you wonder though. Why play a game of tag? They're clearly technologically superior to us, if they're able to make crafts capable of travelling the enormously vast distance between galaxies." Father asked.

"There must be an ulterior motive. Perhaps they intend to broadcast it as entertainment for their home world? Look at the primitives struggle for their freedom! I bet they'll throw the match in the end, just for the sake of a good story."

"Hrm... that is the most plausible theory. The alternative is equally likely: An extremely alien system of morality that dictates they give us at least a fighting chance. Oh, to be able to interview one personally to find out more about their culture!"

"Yes, yes. Those reporters were asking such obvious questions. 'Do you have a boyfriend?' Bah! Does she even know the concept? For all we know their mating procedures could be almost anything."

"Err…" Shinobu said finally finding a space to speak, "Ataru did ask her on a date kind of and she said she'd do it if he won."

"Aha! Yes, that does make sense," her father nodded. "Of course, of course! He'd definitely want to have that alien in his harem."

"I hope he succeeds!" her mother said excitedly. "It'd provide us with an excellent chance to interview her directly. Ask some sensible questions. She'd hardly say no to the parents of one of her harem sisters, now would she?"

That's it, the world has gone mad! "W-wait! Mother! Father! You… this… the harem.. It's not! It's not what you think!"

"Oh?" her father asked. "Didn't that boyfriend of yours accidentally summon forth an eldritch being taking the form of a beautiful Goddess, then make the only wish he would have realistically made under those conditions resulting in you, and probably several other lucky select girls joining a polyamorous relationship focused on him, AKA: a harem?"

"How do you know that!?" Shinobu shreiked.

"They interviewed Ataru and his new goddess friend before Miss. Lum." Her mother said. "They stuck a camera straight into Ataru's room!"

"Apparently she cannot lie, even lies of omission. At the very least she was quite informative about the nature of reality so far as she is aware of it."

"Y-you can't be OK with that Dad! Shouldn't you be sharpening your sword or something over Ataru defiling me or something!?"

"Eh? Sharpening my sword? Why would I do that when you and that Moroboshi boy have had such a healthy swinger relationship for quite a while now?"

Her mother laughed, "Like Daughter like Parents am I right?" Thus revealing more about her parents' sex lives then Shinobu ever wanted to know.

Right... So bed seemed like a good thing about now. Bed and a healthy dose of repression. This was all a bad dream. All a bad dream. A nightmare she'd wake up from soon. Shinobu trudged out of the room, leaving her perve- parents to their riveting conversation on the implications of both gods being real and humanoid life on other worlds. And if that last part wasn't a sign this wasn't real life then what could be? Next thing it would turn out there were such things as Ice Princesses on Neptune, or perhaps the Lucky Gods themselves were also real.

"Night night..." Shinobu yawned, tucking herself into bed, closing her eyes -

"Good night Shinobu," Belldandy said, gently adjusting Shinobu's blanket.

...

Shinobu sat up bolt upright. This wasn't her room! This was Ataru's room! And these weren't her pajamas, either! It was her haremgirl outfit which was... Actually surprisingly comfortable as sleepwear come to think of it. "What am I doing here!?"

"Eh? You just walked in and laid down next to me!" Ataru said. "Not that I'm complaining, you're always welcome to walk right on in any time you want." He lovingly patted her rear.

After Shinobu had extracted her fist from his face she took several deep breaths. Nope. That wasn't enough. "Why am I here?" she asked Belldandy. Apparently the Goddess couldn't lie, not even lies of omission.

"I'm afraid it might be the effect of the Wish." Belldandy said.

"Yeah, what kind of harem doesn't all sleep together in a big happy bed!" Ataru said

"Don't worry," Belldandy smiled. "When you walk out that door in the morning you will be back at your own home. Now, admittedly this more blunt than usual. I honestly thought when you showed up the Ultimate Force had just guided you back here, but nope! Spatial warping!"

In other words, that was the only way to get Shinobu into Ataru's bed without his bad luck ruining it. A reality altering wish and spatial distortions.

"The problem is, this kind of spatial warping will have some side effects."

"Side effects?" Shinobu's head snapped up. "Like... Say, your parents starting to act like a couple of weirdos who are totally okay with me being part of a harem and thinking that I've been with Ataru all this time because they noticed I'm actually okay with having threesomes with him and hot girls?"

"I would not say that is a likely side effect," Belldandy said.

"But it's possible, right?!"

"Technically, it is within the realm of possibility," Belldandy admitted. Even she was sweating a little under the pressure Shinobu was exerting. "Though I strongly doubt -"

"Oh thank goodness!" Shinobu stood up, hands on hips and laughing. "That explains everything! Hahaha! It's not that my parents are weird! It's this weirdness that's having an effect on their behaviour!"

Belldandy opened her mouth, but Ataru put a hand on her shoulder and shook his head. "Let her have this." He said, in an unusual burst of wisdom.

Belldandy nodded after a moment. Just because she couldn't lie, that didn't mean she was completely compelled to dispel every fiction or misunderstanding she encountered. Otherwise whenever she walked past a library or heaven help her a political press conference... Oh dear.

* * *

High above the Earth in her own personal craft, Lum was having some trouble sleeping. It was the anticipation that was doing it. Tomorrow she'd be racing for the fate of the blue bauble below her. That makes it sound like she was trying to save it. But no. She didn't really care all that much about it. And that may make her seem unfeeling, but... It's almost impossible to really care about people when they're only a statistic.

Which meant that the one earth person she had met who wasn't a mere statistic… well…

He was stuck in her mind for some reason! It didn't make any sense. Sure enough she'd been wanting someone interesting rather than someone handsome, but that guy was pretty average looking and the only interesting thing about him was... that woman. Whoever she was, she was no Earth woman, that was for sure. What alien race did she belong to? Lum was wracking her brains trying to work it out... Or at least that was what she wanted to devote her brainpower to, but it kept on going back to that dumb, inane smile as he made that stupid harem challenge.

So that was it, then. That was the wager. Earth's freedom versus her becoming a harem girl. It didn't sound ridiculous: It **was** ridiculous! First of all there was no way that human was going to tag her horns, not in this lifetime. On the other, what kind of bizarre challenge was that meant to be in the first place? Lum couldn't even figure out where to start decrypting that!

On the whole then: Anxious. A lot to think about. Was it any wonder she couldn't sleep a wink? Oh, but she wanted to. Oh, but she tried. Sleep was as evasive as she would be tomorrow. Assuming she didn't curl up into a ball on the warm pavement on Earth and fall asleep right before the race. And then he's grab her by the horns, kiss her, and introduce her to her new harem-sisters and-

"Sleeeeeepppyyyyy!" Lum complained to nobody in particular. She let out a yawn while floating in mid-air. Ugh! "Computer... Sleep remedies!"

"Processing. Processing." The computer said, "Suggestion: Perhaps a change of sleepwear?"

"What sort of change?" she asked.

"A facemask may help with breathing, which is often attributed to lack of sleep."

Yes, that made sense. Something to wear over her face? Lum blinked very, very slowly and looked around. The only thing she could see was this yellow translucent cloth with a handy pair of looped strings. She picked it up and tied them in place around her mouth. She smiled faintly. That might actually have helped a little bit. Not enough, but a start.

"Anything else?" she said around a yawn.

"It is possible that unusual temperatures are affecting your sleeping ability. Therefore, recommend additional layers."

Additional layers...? Huh. Lum didn't really have much in the way of alternative clothing. In fact this was her only bikini, which did raise several issues regarding her personal hygiene. Still, her gaze did fall upon a pair of translucent looking yellow trousers that she got from... somewhere. Still, they did look comfy. Snug. Warm. So Lum pulled them on. Ooh! That was an odd feeling. She didn't usually wear clothes like this.

Of course, what Lum wasn't seeing was the effect that the Ultimate Force, already having marked her for Haremhood, was having on her already. Acclimating her to accept the 'uniform' of a harem girl before she was even officially a member. If she wasn't careful then she might even show up for the race dressed like this, and all but behaving like she had already lost.

That is, unless...

Knock knock knock! "Sweetie?"

"Daddy?" Lum's face reddened, feeling suddenly a bit embarrassed as being seen wearing this outfit. Though why she couldn't quite press.

"There's a **real** interviewer here, Galactic Press and everything, from some planet called "Niflheem" or somethin like that. Said she wanted to interview you, you up for it? I know it's late."

Another one? Well, Lum had enjoyed the Earth Media interviews. Being able to rant about her ex-boyfriend had been rather cathartic. Though asking about her three sizes had been a little personal. "Sure, let them in."

The door came open and Lum drifted over, bleary eyed and yawning to greet them.

The interviewer was a blonde woman in a black outfit and cape, with weird markings on her face. "Hello Princess I bring you- oh good lord of evil he's already got his hooks in you. I came just in the nick of time! My name is Mara and... I have a hell of a deal for you."


	3. Demonic Intervention

"Ladies and gentlemen we're here in downtown Tomobiki, ready for to start this legendary race that will determine the fate of the world!" An announcer said. Hundreds of people packed the sidewalks surrounding the strip of road where the game of tag would take place.

"First up, the challenger: Harem King, Ataru Moroboshi!" The announcer said.

"What!?" Shinobu shrieked. Ataru, wearing a tank top and running shorts, was naturally being followed by Shinobu and Belldandy, with Skuld a bit further behind. "Why are they calling you that!?"

"Well, they asked if I wanted to be called anything in advance and I think it fits!" Ataru said.

It took all of Shinobu's willpower not to strangle him. Belldandy put a hand on Shinobu's shoulder. "Don't let it get to you. He's not being serious."

"But- but-" Shinobu sighed, "Fine. Just win this, quickly."

"And the champion, Earth's Bane, Lum Invader!" The crowd parted, revealing Lum marching out of a parked space ship, a blonde woman in a suit and sunglasses whispering something to her walking out with her. She pointed to Ataru and nodded. Lum smiled back, and walked past her to through the crowds.

To loud boos. Lum winced and walked faster once those started.

"Earth's bane?" Ataru asked once she reached the starting line.

"Oh I was told it's a flower on earth. Thought it would be a nice way to introduce myself!" Lum said happily.

The quartet of humans and goddesses glanced at each other. "Bane means like, your enemy, the one trying to destroy you." Skuld said.

The smile vanished, "Oh. That's… she told me it was a nice flower!"

"Are the racers ready to begin? The rules are simple. You'll have six hours to play Tag. If Earth's champion can grab both of the Oni's champion's horns within that time then he is the victor and the Oni will make peace. If he fails then the match will restart tomorrow. If he does not win within one week than the Oni will invade!"

"He means 'take over without resistance'," Lum bounced on her feet. "Your technology level is at least a hundred years behind ours, and that's if I'm generous."

"She's right. They've mastered quantum transport tech and time manipulation." Skuld said, "Meanwhile you guys are still using vacuum tubes. In short, you suck."

"Aren't you supposed to be on our side?" Shinobu asked.

Skuld snorted, "I'm just being realistic about humanities tech! Projections didn't have you guys match the present day Oni until 2089!"

"So a bit more than a hundred years?" Lum said, "And how are you predicting that?" Her eyes narrowed.

Skuld laughed nervously, "Lucky guess?"

"Unless... You're those competitors that Miss Mara told me about!"

Skuld and Belldandy did a double take. **"Mara!?"**

In a flash that suited woman was in front of them. _"You weren't supposed to bring me up!"_ She shouted at Lum.

"Mara! Is that you?" Belldandy said, "What are you doing on Earth!?

"Humph. I guess since I've been exposed." She pulled off her sunglasses, revealing sharp face. With red markings at the side of her eyes. "Long time no see Belldandy."

"Well hello there Miss!" Ataru was right up in Mara's face. "Mara's your name? Such an interesting one. Wouldn't expect a beautiful girl like you to have it." One hand rested on her waist, "So how about your phone number? Address? I'm sure as I'm Champion of Earth you'll soon be very interested in some discussion on how I'll be saving humanity."

Mara's eyes twitched, and a ball of fire appeared in her left hand. "Back off!" She snapped, throwing it down where Ataru had been standing. "Does your brain shut off when you see a girl or something!"

"Yes." Skuld said.

"I hate to admit it but that's right." Shinobu said.

"Ataru does seem enthusiastic about that." Belldandy said.

"Well listen here human, I'm Mara, Demon First Class, Unlimited. I'm not interested in you saving humans. I'm on her side!" She pointed to Lum.

"D-demon!?" Shinobu stepped back.

"Yeah. Mara here works for Niflheim. They have their own competing system for Earth's favor." Skuld said. "So wait, Niflheim wants the Oni to win?"

"Our projections show that Oni rule will increase our market share by 8.4% more than otherwise." Mara said, "So once I picked up the scent of divine intervention on this match I knew I had to stop it! But to think, a goody two shoes like you Belldandy! Getting involved with the third biggest letcher on earth!"

"Third?!" Ataru huffed, his pride wounded. "Who the hell - " he stopped, looking the demon up and down. "Who's numbers one and two?"

Mara glanced over at Shinobu, "Well I can't mention number two but number one will hopefully never escape to bother any woman again."

"Must be pretty bad if a demon doesn't want them around..." Skuld observed.

"So you three know each other?" Lum asked.

"Humph! All I know is that she's going to be beaten!" Mara turned around, "I don't know what blessing or cheat you goddess have on that boy, but I'll make sure it fails!" She stomped off into the crowd.

"Well that's interesting. I suppose it's not just us that's interested in Earth, tcha!" Lum said, "I'll have to ask Daddy where this Niflheim planet is."

"I don't think you'll be able to find it." Skuld muttered.

"Are our contestants ready?" The announcer said, "Any hanger on, including girlfriends, harem members, and mysterious benefactors please step away!"

The three women quickly backed away from Ataru. "Good luck!" Shinobu shouted.

"You do realize he doesn't have any of that?" Skuld said.

"Let her wish him well Skuld."

* * *

Mara ducked into the crowd, watching the race start. Sure enough, Ataru jumped immediately at Lum. But Lum revealed to the world that Oni could fly. She felt a bit of enjoyment about him falling flat on his face. Hrm. Too soon for a maniacal laugh, best to save that for later. She held up both hands and began accessing the system. Now, normally she would not be able to directly interfere with the actions of mortals without extensive costs paid and paperwork filled out. But the presence of not one, but two goddesses changed things up. If Heaven for whatever reason was acting on Ataru Moroboshi than Hell would respond in kind.

Her plan was simple. She just needed to tank Ataru's luck, so any attempt to catch Lum would fail hilariously.

 **Beep!** the sound of the system denying her request rang through her ears. But that was to be expected. She knew that Ataru had to have some Divine Protection, as a Demon First class she should be able to work to bypass it! She brought up a console, ready to analyze why her curse had failed.

"...Luck Cap reached?" Mara said incredulously. "The hell? Mortals have a Luck Cap?" She cast the curse over Ataru as he tried to grab at Lum's legs. She floated away just in time for Ataru to faceplant again. Again the error popped up.

"Warning. Ataru Moroboshi's Luck is at lowest possible point? As of Patch 7.3 x 10^453 a Luck Cap has been introduced to prevent… _underflow errors!?"_ If it wasn't a magical weightless projection it would have hit the ground with a clatter. "Underflow error!? This boy is literally the least lucky being alive!? Huh! Heaven must have taken pity on him, that's why they sent two Goddesses along! Or... Maybe they're investigating why he has such poor luck? It's not our doing!" Honestly the boy was so unlucky Hell would have arranged his death to put him out of his misery by this point. Heaven's Mercy was always crueler like that. Extracting any form of energy or payment from him would be like trying to get blood from an anemic.

That's when a fire hydrant near the racers suddenly exploded! Water streamed upwards, propelling the hydrant up with it! Mara's eyes widened as she did the calculations. That hydrant would hit Lum straight on the head! Stunning her enough to have Ataru grab the horns! She needed to get Lum out of the way!

But she couldn't do anything to help Lum! Lum hadn't paid any price, so Mara couldn't assist her directly! What do do… of course! She could interfere with Ataru's wish by giving **him** a burst of strength and speed! Casting the spell, she enhanced his jumping length and power. Sure enough, this gave him the force needed to tackle Lum out of the way! It hit the ground with a heavy thud, bouncing a bit towards the crowd.

Thankfully Lum pulled away a moment later. "You grabbed my chest instead of my head!?" She shouted at him.

"I wanted to get a good grip on you before I won!" Ataru shouted back. "Trust me, you're going to like being in my harem. Ooh, I might even make you the head girl..."

The fire hydrant hit Ataru in the head. "Excuse me!?" Shinobu shouted, having just thrown it. "I thought I was your number one!"

"S-Shinobu! I was just being nice! It could be rotating!"

"Wow he's basically unkillable." Mara mused. "Maybe Heaven did try and put him out of his mis-" Her head snapped to the left, hearing the loud honk of a semi-truck's horn. "That sounds like…" A bit further way, a semi-truck's brakes had failed,and the driver was doing his best to keep from running over people, but now there was this big crowd coming up! The crowd parted, gasping at the sight. Did they think it was some hero trying to run over the alien! Since she was too busy enjoying Ataru's antics to notice!

Naturally, Ataru and Shinobu noticed, and their eyes bugged out. Shinobu opened her mouth to scream, but Ataru's instincts took over and he charged towards Lum! Gritting her teeth, Mara cast more buff spells on Ataru, grab her bridal style and leap clear over the truck!" Mara forgot to protect his feet from the landing, so he lout of a cry of "Damn it that hurts!" When he hit the ground.

Lum's eyes glanced between Ataru's face and the still moving truck they had just avoided. "That… no!" She flew out of his grip before he could get at her horns!

Meanwhile, Belldandy held her hand up, and the truck was enveloped in a white glow, coming to a complete stop inches from Shinobu. "I think the Ultimate Force is getting desperate." Belldandy observed as the truck driver stumbled out and thanked God for letting him stop. He had no idea how right that was.

"At this rate the Americans might up end up launching a nuke at her to get their victory." Skuld groaned. "How the hell is Ataru saving her like that!?"

"You've clearly never seen Ataru when he's girl hunting." Shinobu said. She let out a sigh that was either resigned, wistful or long suffering. It was the auditory equivalent of the picture that's either a rabbit or a duck depending on how you look at it.

Then above the crowd an airplane's engines suddenly cut out! The ever growing shadow was aimed right for Lum! She'd be hit with it and surely lose! Mara gritted her teeth and began casting another spell on Ataru. Greater speed, strength, endurance.

The crowd noticed the crashing plane, screams and panic began quite swiftly. Even the announcer ran away, the only people not running were Lum, Ataru, Shinobu, Belldandy, Skuld, and Mara. Lum was too busy trying to keep away from Ataru to notice, Ataru was too busy trying to catch Lum to notice. Shinobu was paralyzed over what to do, and the two goddesses knew this wouldn't hurt them.

Mara? She was pulling her hair out. "What the Fresh Fiery Hell is going on!?" She **knew** this many disasters were not scheduled! The numbers were run, and of course the plane was going to hit Lum. This time, she was in the air, and nothing Mara could do but watch in horror as the right wing of the biplane slammed into Lum. The pilot's jaw dropped seeing a girl in a bikini on his wing, and it was about to drop even further if he wasn't careful.

"Oh no!" Ataru could see it, the wing was about to hit a nearby billboard labeled 'Please don't crash airplanes into this'! He ran towards her, ready to jump! Mara's magic unwittingly giving him speed and ability beyond the norm! He jumped up! Landing on the crashing plane, grabbed Lum by the arm and pulled her off! The they jumped off just in time, the billboard was knocked to the ground. The back of it labeled 'Damn it we told you not to do that.'

Skuld pulled out a grappling hook, shooting it to grab the plane and pulling it down to the ground with relative safety. Again the pilot gave thanks to God. Mara twitched, hearing the heartfelt prayers of thanks decreasing the market share.

"W-well I'm a bit surprised folks, today's race has been plagued with problems!" The announcer came back. "But Mr. Moroboshi and Miss Invader still look ready to go at it! And such sportsmanship too! If Mr. Moroboshi had not saved her from all those disasters he could have easily won! He's doing the human race proud - wait, he could have won this already if he'd let her get hit! You idiot!"

"He's so brave and noble…" Lum whispered, "He isn't cheating at all!"

"How much worse can the Ultimate Force thing get?" Shinobu said, "This is getting stupid!"

"PIllar of salt! Remember that!" Skuld said.

"Also, Shinobu, dear, asking how much worse things can get is a guaranteed way to make them get worse."

That's when the road began to crack, and the earth began to tremble. "And here comes the earthquakes." Skuld muttered, "What's next? Fire from the sky? Locusts? Everybody's First Born dying? How is this idiot making things worse!? The Ultimate Force is trying to grant his-" Skuld stopped, both she and Belldandy looked at each other. "Mara." They both said.

"Oh wow, your planet has tectonic activity?" Lum said, floating a bit into the air.

"Yes! Doesn't yours!?" Ataru asked

"Not since we figured out how to get the continents to move smoothly and volcanoes to erupt on schedule." Lum said.

Crack, crack! The shaking earth managed to hit the nearby building Lum was floating of in such a way that it began to slowly, slowly tilt.

"It makes for a nice fun family day out," Lum continued. "We all get together, put on our lava proof cream and watch it flow!"

A loud crack! And the building's momention snapped forward! Lum spun around, seeing that the building was positioned to fall straight on her, leaving Ataru untouched! "Eeek!"

As if Ataru would let a pretty girl get hurt! He ran under it, no time to grab it. He'd just have to- have to-

 **"Is he going to try and hold the fucking building up!?"** Mara shouted, "This moron! That dick brained asshole! Aaggggggg!" She held out her hands, "At this rate I'm going to be owing people favors for all this magic!" She executed a dozen extra programs, drawing upon the aid of several evil spirits that owed her favors. Pumping power into Ataru's entire body!

Lum knew this was going to hurt. It might even kill her. Seeing the building crashing down, she froze, much like a splorch in the space-lights. Everything moved in slow motion, any moment it would all collapse onto her. And then!

"Rrraaaaaaggggghhhhh! Ataru was in front of her, hands holding up the building! "N-no way am I letting a pretty face get messed up with some brick!" He shouted.

Lum's face reddened. "S-So cool..." she whispered. This guy, he had to be the coolest guy in the galaxy, no, the universe! And he wanted her! He wanted her to be one of his girls! Like, no wonder those two beauties had fallen for him! She had fallen for him! Her heart opened up, and she realized she was in love with Ataru Moroboshi.

"Move!" Ataru said.

"R-right away! D-D-Darling!" Lum flew out from under the building. "Now you get-" Then Mara's magic ran out.

Crunch.

* * *

"...did he just die?" Mara asked incredulously, seeing the collapsed building where Lum was now openly weeping in front of. "Did that idiot seriously just kill himself!?"

 _"You ain't nothin' but a hound dog…"_

The music entered Mara's ears, her body twitched. "N-No!" Rock music! Classic rock! " Her body began shaking and dancing, "Who's playing that-"

"There you are." Belldandy said. She and Skuld had found her. Skuld was holding up a record player. Elvis's tunes keeping the demon dancing and harmless. Belldandy smiled serenely at the dancing demon. "I must give credit where it is due. That was quite a clever way to exploit the rules. What was less clever - Oh dear, I hate criticising like this. It feels like I'm giving you advice on how to be evil."

"Allow me," Skuld coughed. "You idiot! Dummy, dummy! Going up against the Ultimate Force like that, what were you thinking? Were you thinking? Let me check the weather report: Cloudy with a 75% chance of no you weren't."

"The Ultimate Force!? What? I mean, I knew it would be trying to get that idiot some harem girls, but come on! He can't get every girl into the harem he wants, that violates free will!" Mara snapped at her childhood playmate in irritation.

"Miss Lum promised to join it if he won." Belldandy said in response.

Twitch. "She… did not mention that." Mara said. "But then why all these disasters!?"

"Because, idiot, didn't you notice that moron's luck? It's so low causing explosive events like this all the Ultimate Force can do!"

Mara groaned, still swaying her hips to Elvis's greatest hits. "Well, the idiots dead now, and by his own hand so hopefully it won't-"

"Oh Ataru's not dead." Belldandy said.

"A building fell on him." Mara said. "That's generally a cause of death!"

"No, I'm picking up his life signs now. He's not even really injured." Skuld said, one of her scanners held up in front of her with the hand not holding the record player.

 **"HOW!?** Mara asked, and the two Goddess shrugged.

* * *

Lum now knew what heartbreak felt like. She had found him! Her soulmate! Her one true love! He had been there, perfect and ready for her… and now he was gone! Lost to her forever! She knelt by the building, weeping. "I'm sorry! I should have been paying more attention! I should have gone easier on you! I shouldn't have shown off by flying! I'm sorry Darling! I'm sorry!"

Crunch.

"Huh?" Lum pulled her face from her tear soaked hands. "That sound…"

 **Crunch.**

Shinobu was now behind Lum. "I'm somehow not surprised about all this." She said.

"Surprised about wha-" Lum began to ask. But then the side of the fallen building exploded!

 _"Harrreeeemmmmmm!"_ Ataru Moroboshi flew out, rubble flying everywhere, "Got you!" He shouted his hands wrapping around both of Lum's horns! The force of his flight looped them both through the air, and by some perverse luck he landed right on top of Shinobu! The trio rolled down the road for a second, before stopping against the truck from earlier.

The crowd filtered back, gawking at the sight. Ataru was sitting on Shinobu's lap, his hands firmly grasping Lum's horns! "Welcome to the harem Lum!" Ataru said happily.

There was a puff of smoke, and Lum realized she was now wearing a different set of bottoms. Much poffier, and softer. Still tiger striped though. "Oh. O-of course! Of course I'll be your darling!" She flew out of his grip, wrapping her arms around him. "Oh course love! Of course dear! Oh thank you God for finding me my soulmate! I'm so happy!"

 _"FUCK!"_ Mara shouted in the background. Still dancing away. "Fuck fucky fucky fuck fuck..." she swore to the classic Presley melody. This in no way diminished the rage she was expressing at this turn of events.

Belldandy was up next to the group again, "Well it was a bit more explosive then I would have liked but it looks like the Earth is saved from alien invaders now."

"You two are darling's other girls right!" Lum flew up and grabbed both Belldandy and Shinobu, "You'll have to tell me how you met him!? And what do we do now!? Oh right I need to get the paperwork set up move to Earth and maybe we could all hang out with some snacks and movies and oooh Setsubun is coming up won't Benten be surprised and-"

Shinobu put a hand over Lum's mouth. "M-maybe we can talk about this later Lum."

Lum examined her outfit. "Wow, can Darling summon these outfits?"

"Technically it's not him." Belldandy said. "It's us. Whenever we feel like being a harem girl, our clothes change." She closed her eyes, and then... All of a sudden a lot of men temporarily lost some dice on their perception roles, and maybe some for their intelligence too. A couple women, too. "You see?"

"No way," Shinobu said indignantly. "That doesn't make any sense. Why would we ever want to be -" Poof! Harem girl Shinobu, unconsciously shimmying her hips from side to side "- wearing those silly harem girl outfits? It's so... Demeaning!" a shudder shot through her and Shinobu's eyes twinkled with wonder. "So... Naughty. So wrong. So dirty and forbidden... Gah! Ataru! Change me back!"

Her clothes remained in harem form, and if anyone was looking closely enough while thinking about such matters, they might note that her attempts to "cover her body" were actually putting quite a bit of emphasis on her feminine figure.

Across the street, Skuld finally stopped playing the record. "So, question, where does Shinobu rank on lechery?"

Mara's eyes twitched. "Not telling you dumb goddess. I am in **so much trouble.** Everybody's thanking you guys for **my** actions!" She stepped back, "Don't think I won't be back! I'll be getting you stupid goddesses off this world, and breaking up that idiotic harem!" She vanished in a flash of fire.

Skuld sighed, "Well, we agree on one thing Mara." She needed to find a way to get Belldandy out of this wish, and fast!


End file.
